What if I told you that they'll never find anything "wrong" with you, because there is nothing wrong and you are responding appropriately to your circumstances?
What if I told you that no matter how many doctors, x rays, images, or meds you try, it may not make you "better" because there may be nothing to fix?
What if I told you that you are where you are now because of the effects the behaviors of others have had on you?
I grew up in a household with a violent and abusive mother. When I turned 7 I was too afraid to ride the school bus because "I'm going to have to pee". I wasn't able to sleep at night. I cried nearly every morning on the way to school. I often called to be brought home from school in the middle of the day out of just pure anxiety. I physically shook. I sweated. I cried. I feared. I peed a lot.
According to the
National Kidney Foundation: "Stress and uncontrolled reactions to stress can lead to kidney damage."
My parents sent me to doctors and eventually had a surgeon perform exploratory surgery to find out if something was wrong with my bladder or kidneys. It was perfectly normal.
After this, I distinctly remember the surgeon telling my dad "there is nothing wrong" and my dad asked "then what do we do next?" and the surgeon replied "have you tried therapy?"
The truth is, there was nothing wrong with me. What was wrong was the environment I lived in.
*I* was perfectly right. *I* was having appropriate responses to the circumstances of my life. My body knew it wasn't safe and it was reacting to that environment. For me it was frequent urination, among many other symptoms, that created enough of an alarm to put the spotlight on me. But the blame was also put on me.
Blame in the form of "there must be something wrong with her".
Not love. Not compassion. Not understanding. These were incapabilities at the time. Blame. *I* was the problem. And the message that was sent to me was "there might not be any help for you if the doctor can't even figure it out". So not only was I the problem, but I was also helpless. Blame turns to shame.
Fast forward 13 years.
I'm 20.
I'm about to get on a plane, and flying has never been easy for me. I have to pee like 6x before boarding. "What is WRONG with me?" I ask myself.
I feel shame and embarrassment that I have frequent urination. I feel shame and embarrassment that I have fear. I *blame* myself for causing a "bad time" for my partner. I *SHOULD* be able to board a plane with ease and without having to pee 6x. I feel hopeless, helpless and utterly alone.
I take a xanax once I board to prevent myself from asking for help and support from the people around me because *they can't help me, no one can* and I start counting the minutes until the meds kick in, the anxiety decreases and I can fall asleep.
Here's how this goes, now that I'm 39, have dedicated time, energy, and love to healing my Self through self-work, mentorships, therapy of many forms, and continue deepening in my forgiveness for my Self and the people who shaped me.
I'm 39. I'm about to get on a plane, and flying has never been easy for me. I have to pee like 3x before boarding. "It's okay" I tell myself, "I know you're scared. You're that 7 year old part of me and I'm wrapping my arms around you and loving you because *I* know we are safe". I have compassion and understanding for myself because I'm afraid, and that's okay. If I need to, I take some CBD to give myself the extra layer of comfort I want and deserve. I text my husband and let him know we are taking off, his response brings me comfort, which I allow. My body is responding appropriately to fear. I am responding appropriately to myself.
Do you experience anything like the 20 year old me?
There is nothing wrong with you. It is most likely that your environment shaped these behaviors and these layers of shame. And if you want a different life, it's now up to you to release those layers and choose new, life-giving behaviors. Ones filled with love, deep compassion and unwavering forgiveness for yourself (and others if you choose, and it's okay if you don't).
If this resonates and you'd like to keep this conversation going, join me and my dear friend and colleague, Karen CL Anderson, as we celebrate the one year anniversary of her book,
You Are Not Your Mother: Releasing Generational Trauma and Shame.
On this
FREE zoom we will share our stories and you'll have an opportunity to hear from an empowering figure in the mother-daughter-shame dynamic.
My hope is that this gives you a glimpse into the healing that's possible for you and that you walk away claiming just how perfectly you and your body responded to the shame you have experienced in your life.
Join us Thursday, June 13 from 6:30 - 8:00 pm EST Register for FREE here Hope to see you there!
xo Becky
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